Sports Montage

Being a tried and true son of the Steel, no one is going to accuse me of being a Patriots apologist. I can respect them for being a blue-collar kinda team for a blue-collar kinda town, but their fans are unbelievably irritating bandwagon-jumpers (Mullican, excluded) and their coach is a overrated walking punchline, looking, smelling, and (as of recently) coaching as if he were homeless. I’m also not going to be someone who gets on their back now screaming the “dynasty” is over - I can’t do that, too many young players and Maroney sure does look nasty, doesn’t he?

But I will say this - trite as it is, it wasn’t so much as the Colts won that game as the Patriots lost it, and like a great man once said, behind every great comeback is an even bigger choke job. Oh, how does thee choke up Colt 45 (actually, only 38..but so close)? Let me count the ways:

1. Rooney-esque cheapness. You didn’t resign Vinatieri..that one happened to work out marginally for you since the new Polish wonder (sorry, Sebastian, you’re old and busted) is apparently vodka in the bank, but come on, pay the man his due for what he’s done for your team. Failing that, how about a WR? ANY WR. I don’t care, sign Stephen “Touchdown Maker” Baker, that black kid from “Varsity Blues”, ANYONE. Calling Reche Caldwell is a legit WR receiver is like accepting Jessie Spano into Stanford - you really want to because the kid probably worked hard, but you just can’t because it wouldn’t be right.

Now starting for your New England Patriots..

2. Belichick starts to coach like he looks. Dan Klecko had a TD earlier in the playoffs that looked like a total carbon copy of the one he scored on Sunday. It may as well have been instant replay. Hey Bill, MR. SUPER DEFENSIVE GAMEPLAN GENIUS, maybe you want to figure out how to pay attention to a 320 pound lineman catching a TD against you? The man can’t be great all the time, but give me a break. 38 points? He hasn’t been that bad since he went 36-44 coaching the Browns, which, let me tell you, is a sparkling record. Definitely genius-esque.

3. Brady not coming through. Again. Just like last year, the Patriots hopes are dashed by a Tom Brady pick suffixing an all-around average and unspectacular game. One could make plenty of arguments in defense (the WR theory being the most notable and perhaps the only legitimate argument) but really, let’s face the facts - if you switch up the roles and it’s Manning throwing that pick, he would be absolutely eviscerated. Killed by everyone. Media, blogs, my grandmother, that BTK guy, EVERYONE. Brady gets a pass from a lot of people and rightly so, but come on. He didn’t play well and it’s the becoming a disturbing playoff trend. Almost as disturbing as the milkshake story involving him, but let’s leave that alone.

“Tom and I are expecting the child in September, thanks for asking!”

4. Karma, baby. I’m not saying LT went down to Tijuana with Pedro Cerrano to put some voodoo curses on the Pats, but I’ve always been a believer in just desserts. And really, not even that LT had legit beef in the first place, it’s just more than I like LT infinitely more than I like any of the Patriots. It’s probably payback for the retarded “Family Guy” episode that Tom appeared in, or just for the general unlikability of Patriots fans in general. Please, legions of Sullivans, go back to Donovan’s Pub and drink your swill Guinness, bitch about the J.D. Drew contract and how your 1987 AMC Comet got smashed by panels falling off the Big Dig. Go bathe in that dirty water, idiots, and blame Seau. He’s the ringleader of the bad karma.

Mr. Chargers Forever Junior Seau, doing his best impersenation of a seal. Der der der!

As far as any sort of actual prediction, I’m going to predict that Prince will be a lot better of a halftime show that most people are projecting, and that the over/under on Eli Manning “I Should Kill Myself Now” reaction shots will be set by Vegas at 7.5. The game itself, I’ll probably have to lean to the Colts. Grossman is the worst Super Bowl QB since Steve Grogan, and that’s going way back and possibly also giving a pass to Stan Humphries.

Spurrier giving us more information that we needed to know about Rex

Regardless, I don’t think the Colts are going to give up five pass-interference calls on the backyard Hail Mary moonballs Rex tries to force to Berrian every three minutes, which will wreck their offensive momentum and generally ensure that somewhere, Cade McNown will be smiling. Smiling in an efficiency apartment with the electric cut off in Naperville, but hey..he’ll be smiling. Him and Curtis Enis. Sounds like a buddy picture in the works to me!